Saturday, May 10, 2008

The FU Letter


In our characters of Gardenia and Woods (if you don't know, it's a long story, well, maybe a short story that's gone on for six or so years now), Anne Marie and I have created what is known affectionately as the 'FU' letter. Basically, it's a verbal statement that just makes us feel better. An FU letter recipient is any group, organization, person, people or moron that basically just need to be told to F*** Off. No letter actually goes out, it's more metaphorical, but it sure makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Today I'm putting the FU letter on line. It's short and to the point: Dear ___________, FU, Sincerely, Gardenia & Woods.

Here are today's recipients:

The Contra Costa Times. I have said no to you more times than the slutty cheerleader has said no to the geek three years her junior, yet you continue to phone me...constantly!!! Today I received your bill, Due Immediately. WHY!!! I have not ordered you. I don't want you. Do you get it!! I've said NO, NO, NO I don't want to receive the CC Times!!! So go away!!!

Dear Contra Costa Times,

FU

Sincerely,
Gardenia and Woods


Wyoming. Yes, they're still at it. Day after day, mail urging me to come visit. Guess what! I'M NOT COMING TO VISIT!! You are so completely desperate, just stop. Desperation is never pretty, but on a state! That's a new one. I don't read your mail anymore. You send the same thing over and over again. Stop sending the fliers, packets, pamphlets and letters. Save an acre of trees and stop sending this stuff to me. Again, you could have put me up for a week by now and I could have written a great review for some magazine or the brochures you send to ME everyday. With that,

Dear State of Wyoming,

FU

Sincerely,
Gardenia and Woods

1 comment:

Toni said...

Well, you like to travel, I guess they think it's worth a couple of trees to see if they can entice you to visit the great state of Wyoming. What is the state known for anyway? I can't even remember - except for getting stuck in a bad snow storm there once.