Welcome Back!

Dolly I've miss ya! After your over stayed Bluegrass stint, it's great to have you back making the Dolly Parton music I grew up loving! See you in August!

Gimme A Break!!!

You've got to be kidding me. THIS is what is all over the news and the internet! This is what I've been hearing about all day: Rachael Ray wearing an ugly scarf in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial that causes so much controversy the ad gets yanked. What an embarrassment! Let's stop worrying about a scarf in an ad and direct some focus where it really counts. You want to stop something, stop the senseless deaths of men and women in war everyday. Stop the destruction of the Amazon which will ultimately led to the destruction of us all. Stop the slaughter of animal, plant and insect species all over the world. The bees are disappearing while you were busy looking at her dresser's dime store scarf. People all over the world don't have enough to eat, don't have fresh drinking water. We're over worked and underpaid. The price of gas is forcing people to choose between food and bills. There are homeless people on the street. Jobs are lost daily. People who don't deserve their jobs get coddled while deserving people are laid off because some lazy ass has 20 years seniority and only got her job because they were desperate at the time. People in the City of Tracy with a false sense of importance are constantly dragging hard working people into their offices and telling them how bad they are, reducing them to tears - over and over again. U. S. Vets aren't getting their benefits and left to fend for themselves after they lose their fucking limbs in one man's war. Half the full time working people in the U.S. don't have medical coverage. The price of college is outrageous. Our air and food are full of toxins and chemicals that I personally don't want to breathe. The midwest is hit daily by tornadoes, Katrina victims are still in poverty, our children can't spell worth shit, some can't even read, the family unit is a rerun on TV Land, hard working people are losing their homes, the government spends $30 on a hammer, education is cut so politicians can ride in private cars and jets, hospitals are overcrowded, animals are used to test of all things make up, people are killed daily by red light runners, social security won't be there for us, seniors can't afford their meds, children in third world countries are sold into sex slavery or get paid pennies a day for working in factories, the ice caps are melting, polar bears will be gone in our lifetime, a third of my paycheck is taken in taxes, probably to help pay for the Bush wedding or one of Arnold's parties, what about the puppy mills, Save the Children UK Aid workers are sexually abusing the children in war-ravaged and food-poor countries that they were supposed to be there helping. With all this going on - what tops the news is that ugly scarf!!! I'm in shock. I'm appalled. I'm disappointed.

A Diarista

Do you ever just suddenly think of a tv show for absolutely no reason at all? That just happened to me. It's a program I watched in Brasil, 'A Diariasta'. I totally miss it. It is 'Laverne & Shirley' or 'I Love Lucy'-esque. It's about a housekeeper who gets into all sorts of wacky situations. The scene that stands out in my mind was one when she was in a limousine, after having too much champagne and, well, it's just really funny. I totally miss this show! I'm curious, who out there has a favorite tv show from another country, or even another state they they miss?

Sassy, Sexy, Sensational!

In the last week I have had the pleasure of seeing two amazing performances at the Rrazz Room in San Fancisco by two ladies you may not expect this from. The first was from Katey Sagal, of 'Married with Children' fame. What you may not know is that she started as a singer, and fell into acting. Sagal has sung back up for Tanya Tucker, Olivia Newton-John, Bob Dylan and most notable, was one of Bette Midler's Harlette's. Miss Sagal not only sings, but also writes some of her own material. I don't know what I enjoyed more, her singing or her rapport with the audience. The intimate setting was the perfect venue for Miss Sagal's pristine vocals and her connection with the audience. She sang a Bob Dylan song that moved me to tears (sorry, I'm not a Bob Dylan fan so I don't know the name of the song) and told some funny stories from her childhood and early career, most enjoyable was the one about Judy Garland. Miss Sagal sang like a song bird, and threw out the one-liners like a top rate comedienne. After the show she signed a CD and posed with us for photographs.

The second, even more mind blowing, was the performance by Lynda Carter, another singer who got distracted by acting. Lynda Carter blew me away with her amazing voice and her stage presence. Her take on "Crazy" rivaled that of Patys Cline's. She sang a song that she wrote, put her mark on many standards and never stopped wowing the Rrazz Room guests. Her show ran smoothly, and her voice flawless. She came out looking as gorgeous as ever with those sparkling blue eyes. Miss Carter touched both John and I twice, once as she entered and once during her encore. She didn't do a meet and greet afterwards, but she touched, hugged and hi-five'd the crowd during her entrance and exits. You must go see her show when she's around again, and be prepared for a real treat!! This is one of the best shows I've ever seen!

How could these three have been so stupid! All three of them had an idol! It's been a great season of Survivor with injuries, blindsides and a hidden idol actually being played. After really enjoying the season, unfortunately, I'm not too excited about the finale because I don't want anyone left to win. And the game goes on.

Dear Driver,

Every morning when I drive to work it's like a race track out there. I take Deer Valley to Marsh Creek to get to work in Concord. And every day, there are multiple drivers out there who drive like a bat out of hell. Some insight on these two roads: they are two lanes, some hills, and a lot of twists and turns with corners that drivers cannot see around. They're also lined with memorial crosses. That's my first clue that a road is dangerous, when there's more memorials on it than there are drivers. However, the idiots that drive this road apparently do not feel that way. In addition to the crosses, it's also decorated with the lifeless bodies of the various animals that try to survive in spite of humans. Wild turkey, raccoons, possum, squirrels, deer, chickens, dogs and cats can dart out at any moment. I know this, because their bodies line the road. Every day, some jack ass has to drive like a speed demon, and they get on my bumper like that's going to make me drive faster. I see 'em coming, sometimes passing five or six other cars on the way. Well guess what idiot, I'm not going to drive any faster! In fact, I'm going to drive slower because if I have to suddenly hit my brakes I don't want your pathetic ass in my backseat. The most obnoxious one is this woman that drives a Murango, with a jelly donut stuffed in her face every morning. Here's a thought - LEAVE ON TIME!!!! What a concept! And thanks for passing on the blind curve too. Someday when you're in a head on crash I'm going to be a part of it. All of you a-holes who drive this road every day, if you want to put your own life at risk, that's fine, but leave the rest of us law abiding citizens and safe drivers out of it. Who is supposed to patrol this road anyhow? Brentwood? Antioch? Clayton? Someone needs to get out there and citing some people. In case you're wondering, no I'm not just complaining here, I have written a local newspaper and also contacted two local police departments.

The FU Letter

In our characters of Gardenia and Woods (if you don't know, it's a long story, well, maybe a short story that's gone on for six or so years now), Anne Marie and I have created what is known affectionately as the 'FU' letter. Basically, it's a verbal statement that just makes us feel better. An FU letter recipient is any group, organization, person, people or moron that basically just need to be told to F*** Off. No letter actually goes out, it's more metaphorical, but it sure makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Today I'm putting the FU letter on line. It's short and to the point: Dear ___________, FU, Sincerely, Gardenia & Woods.

Here are today's recipients:

The Contra Costa Times. I have said no to you more times than the slutty cheerleader has said no to the geek three years her junior, yet you continue to phone me...constantly!!! Today I received your bill, Due Immediately. WHY!!! I have not ordered you. I don't want you. Do you get it!! I've said NO, NO, NO I don't want to receive the CC Times!!! So go away!!!

Dear Contra Costa Times,

FU

Sincerely,
Gardenia and Woods


Wyoming. Yes, they're still at it. Day after day, mail urging me to come visit. Guess what! I'M NOT COMING TO VISIT!! You are so completely desperate, just stop. Desperation is never pretty, but on a state! That's a new one. I don't read your mail anymore. You send the same thing over and over again. Stop sending the fliers, packets, pamphlets and letters. Save an acre of trees and stop sending this stuff to me. Again, you could have put me up for a week by now and I could have written a great review for some magazine or the brochures you send to ME everyday. With that,

Dear State of Wyoming,

FU

Sincerely,
Gardenia and Woods